I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
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#winning
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Go girl power!
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
best first i’ve ever seen
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead