Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.