I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
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Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
🤣🤣🤣
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog