“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
You Might Also Like
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”