medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
A leaf blower, but for people.