Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
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[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
do u think theres a butter planet?
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.