diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
You Might Also Like
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf