girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
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Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My brain is a bad influence on me