NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
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them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
This will never not be funny to me.