“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
tinder is all about the long game
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.