Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
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Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
What about second breakfast?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”