This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
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My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
This was a bad idea all around
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”