one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
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Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
(True)
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted