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I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Battery falling down a hole
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
They got a point!
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I am HOWLING at this
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.