Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
You Might Also Like
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??