moms in horror movies
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The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first