they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
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*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee