“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Selfie
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby