I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
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Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.