(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
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Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*updates tinder bio*
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
WTF IS THAT!
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”