The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
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Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.