Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
You Might Also Like
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Why am I like this?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.