Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
You Might Also Like
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
BaD BoY!!
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Children of the corn 🌽
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I need to get some bricks…
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)