I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
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Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather