Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
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The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.