[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
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I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”