We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
What kind of a cult is this?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one