Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
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You can’t rush stupid.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
the three branches of government
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”