*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.