Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
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Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
this will hang in the louvre one day
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store