Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
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I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
reminder
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*