[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
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When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group