Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
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Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.