My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
You Might Also Like
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.