Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
You Might Also Like
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”