#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
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It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!