Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
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I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains