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*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
If only
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain