the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
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me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written