thinking about a very short hotdog
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Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.