I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
You Might Also Like
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.