Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
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I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Have a lovely day 😊
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
*Inspirational Tweets*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids