dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
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[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok