When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
You Might Also Like
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.