Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.