After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
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Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.