Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
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Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.