Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
#ParentingFacts
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed