I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
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The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.