Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
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We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Well, that should do it
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child